2014 Bro Draft (#DILBs): Round 2

Needs no introduction. The Bro Draft continues.

To see round 1, click here -> ROUND ONE

11. With the 11th pick in the 2014 DILB draft, Jeff Wilmot has selected Adam Sandler.

BILLYMADISON

 

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 47

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED TO A BABE

KIDS: 2

SOBRIETY: I DON’T THINK SO

Here’s Jeff on the pick: “He’s known as one of the nicest guys in Hollywood and The Sandman seems like a guy who takes care of his friends. By that I mean he puts all his friends into all his movies and thus would probably be the quickest way for me to get some amount of fame as well.

GROWNUPS2

I’d imagine he’s a pretty regular down to earth guy who still likes feces related jokes and stuff. Some might argue that all his movies now are stupid and aren’t funny, but I will go to the grave reppin’ “That’s My Boy” as a hilarious movie.

Thats my Boy

Especially for purveyors of fine jizz jokes. He’s also made enough money to not give a shit what anyone thinks about his movies anymore. Though i’m sure he’s much more of a family man now that he’s older, I bet he still likes to tie one on every now and then. Thus, I select Adam Sandler with pick 11.”

Seph’s 2 Cents: Sandman is a bro legend. A Brogend, if you will, which sounds like a Godzilla type monster when you say it out loud. In the 90’s he did some legitimately hilarious stuff on SNL & on the big screen (don’t take Billy Madison into a convenience store because it STILL HOLDS UP). Jeff makes some good points about Sandler having enough money & power to coast through life at this point making his own rules and putting his buddies in movies. If I get an offer to appear in Grown Ups 7: Back To The Moon, you can bet I wouldn’t be above accepting that.

IF WE WERE BROS:

Nicknames: Sandmancisco, Sandcastle, Quicksandler, Sandwich, Sandstorm, Adam Bomb,

Activities: The funny thing is after all these years Sandler can actually live like Billy Madison if he wanted to. We could party at his mansion if he has one or a lake house. I bet he’d be really fun to play Mad Libs with because he’s funny and likes potty language. What could be the most fun, though, is returning to his old stomping grounds by visiting an MTV’s Spring Break location.

12. With the 12th pick, I select Seth Rogen.

Legalize_Marijuana___Rogen_by_Rigo14

BRO VITALS

AGE: 32 (31 at the time of the draft)

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED

KIDS: ZERO

SOBRIETY: HELL NO

SETHROGENDRINKINGTODAYSHOW

 

He’s essentially the next-gen Sandler in terms of making funny mainstream movies and hooking his friends up with parts in them, during which he’s indicated that he’s usually getting high every day on the set even when he’s directing. The bonus here is Seth is only 32 & even though he’s married he doesn’t have kids yet which is when most dudes close up the fun shop and hand in their bro cards. He maintains strong bromances (most notably with James Franco) despite his romantic relationships, which is key.

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He just set up a charity for families taking care of loved ones with Alzheimer’s which is pretty dope, and spoke about raising awareness in front of congress.

Seth-Rogen-Congress

 

Funny creative dudes who take care of their bros, who enjoy not being sober, and care about helping people are my kind of bros.

IF WE WERE BROS:

Nicknames: Seth Brogen, Sethiroth (if he’s a Final Fantasy VII fan)

Activities: We could do Alzheimer’s volunteer work, and then go to some after parties, or simply smoke blunts and play video games. I’d be like PS4 or XBOX One? He’d be like, “BOTH!”, then later we’d bust out a classic N64 console and face off in multi-player (you know we’d have to do rounds of throwing knives only and slappers only). I’d ask him if “Backstreet’s Back” is really his favorite BSB song or if it was just cheaper to put in a movie than “I Want It That Way”. I’d ask him how he got girls before he was famous because I feel like we hover around a sort of similar “Number” in terms of attractiveness. I feel like Seth would really fun to make prank calls with. Sleepovers at Seth’s house would be awesome.

13. Shane Falco selected Tom Brady with the 13th pick.

tom_brady_coconut_drunk_athlete

 

BRO VITALS:

AGE: 36

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

KIDS: 3

SOBRIETY: tom-brady-drunk-elite-daily

Shane on his pick” “Tom Brady, 3 rings

tombradyrings

, beautiful,

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and the motherfucking greatest!”

tombradygreatest

 

Seph’s 2 Cents:

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Marcia Brady (because of hair like this:

tom_brady_drunk_athlete_vacation

NICKNAMES: (cont’d): Tommy Boy

Activities: Tossing around the pigskin. Hitting up the best spots in Boston, LA, NYC, and Brazil. Can you imagine what’d be like to attend a parade or festival in Brazil with Tom & Gisele? I’d ask him for tips on how to get buff, how to stay buff, haircare.

 

14. With the 14th pick, Tom Tracy has selected Questlove.

QUESTLOVEVIBECOVER

QUESTLOVEEATING

QUESTLOVEBEERCOMMERSH

BRO VITALS

AGE: 43

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE

KIDS: NO

SOBRIETY: NOT SURE

Seph’s 2 Cents: I’m gonna be honest here. In what comes as a shock to no one, I am not the world’s best authority on Questlove. He seems like a cool dude who makes great music, has some good tweets, and does a good job as bandleader for The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Sagafondness, Searchlike

ACTIVITIES: Rockband

15. Kevin McCaffrey takes Charlie Sheen.

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENROLLINGSTONECOVER

 

BRO VITALS

AGE: 48

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: DIVORCED 3 TIMES

KIDS: 5

SOBRIETY: DOESN’T DO HARD DRUGS ANYMORE. EXCEPT FOR THAT DRUG CALLED “CHARLIE SHEEN”

Kev on the pick: “Charlie Sheen. I’m not into a lot of what he’s into,

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENBANGING7GRAMROCKS

 

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENLOSTVIRGINITYTOPROSTITUTE

 

but it’s good to have a guy like that around,

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENSMOKINGDRINKINGREDSSHIRT

 

and you won’t have to worry about shit getting slow.

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENNAKEDRAMPAGE

CHARLIESHEENGIFIDONTSLEEP

Undeniably good value in round 2.

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Also he’d give commentary while we drink and watch Major League at least once a year around opening day.”

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENvaughnbanker

Seph’s 2 Cents

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Afrosheen, Tigerblood, Martian Sheen, 7 Gram Rockstar, Masheen

ACTIVITIES: Vegas, become fugitives, picnic (everyone parties with Charlie Sheen, who goes on a picnic with him? Drink some wine, chill in nature, talk about our most romantic hump seshes), get high and go to an art museum and post instagram videos of our interpretations on the art, compare fleshlights to their pornstar counterparts for authenticity.

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENGODESSES2

BRODRAFTCHARLIESHEENGODESSES

CHARLIESHEENGODESSES3

 

 

16. Greg Johns takes Keith Richards.

BRODRAFT-Keith+Richards+Patti+Hansen+Guests+Arriving+TWGzgH3V67Gl

BRO VITALS

AGE: 70

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED SINCE 1983

KIDS: 5 & 5 Grandchildren

SOBRIETY: Only Weed & Wine these days, however … some funny quotes from the man himself on this issue:

 “I’ve got to confess, I was very interested in what I could take and what I could do. I looked upon the body as a laboratory – I used to throw in this chemical and then that one to see what would happen; I was intrigued by that.” He added, “It’s like Churchill said about alcohol, ‘Believe me – I’ve taken a lot more out of alcohol than it’s ever taken out of me!’ And I kind of feel the same way about the dope and stuff. I got something out of it.”

“I hate all this idea of rehab and giving stuff up because it just means you’re hung up on it.” He later implied that bandmate Ronnie Wood, who has been to rehab multiple times, enjoys it because he’s a bit of a drama queen and enjoys having an audience, saying, “Ronnie loves drama. He loves to talk to people he doesn’t know. ‘I can’t wait to hear your story!’ That’s not my idea of an audience.”

 

(from http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/06/14/keith-richards-drugs_n_3441592.html)

“Keith Richards. Reasons: everyone that anyone can name on this list thinks Keith Richards is a boss,

BRODRAFT-KEITHRICHARDSGQ-eminem-lil-wayne

 

he parties,

BRODRAFTKEITHRICHARDSDRINKINGPOOLSIDE

BRODRAFT-keith-and-anita

 

 

and he has the best stories most likely.

BRODRAFT-Keith-Richards-James-Brown-John-Belushi-christmas-party-480x364

BRODRAFTKEITHRICHARDSSNORTEDHISDAD

Seph’s 2 Cents

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Richie Richards, Keef,

ACTIVITIES: Weed & Wine and a concert sounds good to me, though in a few years we might have to mix in a bit more prune juice & BINGO. It’s amazing he’s kept it going for so long. Who knew grandpas could be so cool? Speaking of grandpas, I could just sit & listen to him tell stories all day. Especially if he could elaborate on some of these tales -> Keef Facts

17. Patrick Jameson takes Alex Rodriguez.

BRODRAFTARODPARTY

BRO VITALS

AGE: 38 (39 IN JULY)

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: DIVORCED

KIDS: 2 DAUGHTERS

SOBRIETY: NO

“Alex Rodriquez peds or no peds.

ARODNEWSPAPERCOLLAGE2 ARODNEWSPAPERCOLLAGE

A-Rod spending thousands at strip clubs

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and dating super models.

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He’s a bro with his 300 million dollar contract”

Seph’s 2 Cents:

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Cray-Rod, A-Rod The Bod, Brodriguez

ACTIVITIES: We could go to SCORES NYC, Polekatz Chicago, Vegas, Miami, he would be a sick softball league ringer. We could take sexy group photos.

BRODRAFTARODBROMOEROTIC

 

Obvi I’d use it as a Tinder pic, but obvi I’d make a note of which one was me LOL. He could help me with getting in shape and increase my physical confidence. I’d obviously never be as confident as him,

BRODRAFTARODMIRRORKISSING

but maybe to the point where I could take my shirt off at a beach without having a nervous breakdown. Also, I could ask him who I have to talk to to get a painting made of myself as a minotaur.

ARODMINOTAUR

18: Rezzer Ramon takes Leonardo DiCaprio.

BRO VITALS

AGE: 39

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: SINGLE

KIDS: ZERO

SOBRIETY: NO

Rezzer on his pick: “Leonardo DiCaprio. Sure he doesn’t have an Oscar. He doesn’t need one when he’s banging supermodels left and right,

BRODRAFTLEOEXGFS BRODRAFTLEOEXGFS2

does blow on top of booties, in booties, quaaludes, crack, you name it. Plus he’s a beautiful white man who all the women flock to.

Leonardo-DiCaprio-shared-kiss-costar-while-filming-party

Wolf on wall street is his life, minus jail time.”

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Lenny D, DiCaPRIUS, Leoben (BattleStar Galactica ref), Nardo

ACTIVITIES: We could do the standard fare like bars and clubs.

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We could go to Coachella in “disguise”,

LEOCOACHELLA

but still have enough chicks notice him that we get a good buzz around us and leave the festival with some after-party participants. Clearly they can’t ALL sleep with him, … right?

 

19. Tadius takes Rob Ford.

BRODRAFT-GLOBALSUPERSTARtorontosun-11062013

BRO VITALS

AGE: 45

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED

KIDS: 2

SOBRIETY: HA-HA.

Tadius on the pick: “I pick esteemed Toronto Mayor/Emperor Rob Ford.

ROBFORD

For the same reasons as Eric Andre.”

BRODRAFT-rob-ford-drunk-bachelorette

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Ford Tough, Blob Ford, Mayor McCrack

ACTIVITIES: Hit up Blue Jays, Maple Leafs, Argonauts, and Raptors games like royalty and get swamped by chicks that are wayyy too hot for both of us. This would finally be a time where IIII could be the CUTE ONE! This is like my boy band dream come true, only this time with an overweight Canadian mayor who is addicted to booze & crack.

 

20: With the 20th pick, Steven Fleihr selected Will Ferrell

WILLFERRELL1

BRO VITALS

AGE: 46 (47 this summer)

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: MARRIED SINCE 2000

KIDS: 3

SOBRIETY: IDK, BUT PROBZ NOT.

Here’s Steven on the pick: “with Will Ferrell you’re tapping into a vast network of comedy. I’d be bros with a guy that’s all over funny or die as well as tons of hit movies. 

WILLFERRELL2

 

So with will ferrell I can finally bend a comedic ear and get into some movies!!”

WILLFERRELL3

IF WE WERE BROS:

NICKNAMES: Wildo, Where’s Wildo, Billy The Kidder, Wilf

ACTIVITIES: Drink & watch Harry Caray highlight videos, I could ask him for tips on sketch writing & acting, and I think he would be one of the most fun people to make prank calls with. I used to do some work on the phone when I was in high school coming up with characters and schemes, but I couldn’t dream of trying to keep up with a mind like his. This would have the potench for tears of laughter.

 

NOW LET’S VOTE ON THE BEST 2ND ROUND PICK

AND THE BEST TEAM SO FAR

STAY TUNED FOR ROUNDS 3-10

 

 

Joe McCaffrey (Ask Joe)

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About Joe McCaffrey

Sometimes I teach. Sometimes I write. Sometimes I give advice. Sometimes I make people laugh. Sometimes I party. I write stuff for the comedy website friendshipstyle.com and I do some stand-up comedy.
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