Welcome back to Dudes I’d Like to be Bros with, where I talk about dudes who have desirable bro traits, thereby making them DILBs. For the second installment of DILBs … I bring you … half-man / half-machine … all bro … RoboCop.
PROTECTION: To protect and serve is what he does best. He could definitely back you up in a brawl, or lend you a RoboHand in a time of danger. Not only with his big, shiny, impressive Robomuscles, but also with his always entertaining Robo-sass.
Oooh! You didn’t know Robo was such a sassy bitch, did you? Somebody call 9-1-1 cuz my RoboB-F-F is bein’ NAUGH-TY!
BOOZING: This is related to the protection angle. Normally, I would be afraid to travel to parts of town where you can get alcohol at a cheap price, but not if I have my new bro Robocop with me. My Brobocop, if you will. He could cover my 6 while I slapped down some skrilla to purchase a 24 rack of silver bullets and a bottle of smirnoff. Thinkin’ about jumpin’ me, hooligans? Think again. Not if my dude Brobocop has anything to say about it, and he will have something to say, and he’ll say it in a half-robot voice … kind of like T-Pain (another humanbot). I’m pretty sure Robo also can’t drink, which is unfortunate for him, but it means he could always be my designated driver.
ANATOMY: I’m 99% sure RoboCop doesn’t have a dick. This is good as it pertains to picking up chicks because he can’t really serve as competition for me. Even if a girl wanted to jump his cyborg-bones, it wouldn’t really be an option. Without a RoboPenis ready to deploy, intercourse would not be an option, strictly outercourse. You know what that means, welcome to Dry Hump City. I guess they could probably RoboScissor, too. This means that unlike hanging with “The Situation”, you probably don’t have to worry about RoboCop pulling a robbery on you.
STRENGTH: RoboCop is wicked strong. If he were my bro this could definitely come in handy. Imagine how much easier moving would be if Robo was helping you out. I’ve seen him lift a fridge with ease (granted, it looks like he totally jacked it from that Korean family, but let’s focus on the strength here). What if my car was stuck in a ditch? Not for long once he put his RoboMuscles to work.
SPORTS: With RoboCop on my side, we could dominate pick-up games and intramural leagues. Softball? He’d be cranking out dingers like a roided-up Barry Bonds. Football? Try and tackle him. You’d need a cannon to take him down, which would almost certainly result in an unnecessary roughness penalty. Basketball? This is the big one for me. My vertical leap leaves something to be desired. To be blunt, it’s laughable. Literally, people have laughed at it. As a result, I have never been able to dunk. Well, I’ve never been able to dunk on an NBA-height rim. I work at a grade school so I was able to dunk on the lowered hoops, which felt pretty good. I’m pretty sure all of those 3rd-graders thought I was the man after that. I’ve never dunked on a regulation rim, though, and I’ll never be able to, unless RoboCop is on my team. He could just pick lift me up and let me jam it, father & son-style. I’m pretty sure everyone would think I was the man after witnessing that.
DRUGS: RoboCop has gone to war with drug dealers and done an Anti-Drug PSA. While I respect that, it could put a serious damper on our partying. Like my parents always used to say “You can’t have fun without drugs. The more illicit, the better. Focus on the high, deal with the crash when you get there.” Thanks mom & dad. If I don’t take drugs, how else could I spend 3 hours believing unicorns are real?
GIRLS: Robocop would be great for picking up chicks. First of all, as soon as we walk into the club he can use his targeting system to spot all the best talent:
Second of all, he dances. We hit the dance floor and some regular old human jabroni is doing the robot, likely me let’s be honest, and then the cyborg civil servant whips out the Roborobot:
We would be swarmed with girls.
In addition to the dance moves, he’s famous. Not like “I was on a season of Road Rules back in 03” level famous, but I’ve been parodied on The Simpsons level famous.
If they don’t know anything about the 1980s or The Simpsons, hopefully they’d just confuse him for one of the members of Daft Punk:
For girls who don’t care at all about dance moves or fame, and I’m sure they exist, he could always impress them with some of his tales of how he saves babies on the reg – which is great because babies are things that chicks are like totally always into – whether they want their own or not – regardless of year or season. Babies are always trendy, they’re trendproof.
If by some miracle they didn’t think he was the coolest Roboperson ever at this point, and me the coolest Humanperson by association, his gun tricks would surely prove swoonworthy.
Girls would be like, “Wow, you’re really good with your hands”, and I’d be like “Yeah he IS, isn’t HE!? Ugh, just too bad he doesn’t have anything YOU could use hidden in his machinery there. I’m talking about a penis. He doesn’t have a penis. I DO have a penis. Not like a Robopenis, or an extraordinarily impressive one, but a genuine – and , well, more often than not – adequately functioning one. No offense RC, not HAY-TING just SAY-ING.” Then hopefully if she tried to assault me he’d forgive me for bringing up that sore subject and be my knight in shining bulletproof and nutkickproof armor.
ENERGY: RoboCop isn’t fully human, so he doesn’t run on the same energy sources as we do. This is great because sometimes it can be hard to find people who can stay up late and party until the early morning. As long as I had outlets nearby to plug Robo into, he could keep me company. This would GREAT for sleepovers. We could stay up all night playing video games, watching scary movies, making prank calls, break out the ouija board to contact dead celebs (like James Dean, Chris Farley, Mitch Hedberg, or Andy Dick), make forts, tell ghost stories, and have pillow fights. We could talk about who we have crushes on. I could tell him about girls I would totally like to make out with, then he could be like …
RoboCop: “Well you would make out with her, but would you go ALL the way?”
Joe: ” Maaayyybeee”
RoboCop: “Would you DATE her?”
Then I’d probably get all red, then we’d both just giggle …
Robo would tell me who he is thinking of asking to the Policeman’s Ball, then he’d bury his helmet into my shoulder and start crying when he remembered that even if things went well with his date, they’d be limited to dry-humping and RoboScissoring. I’d console him by looking right into his visor and saying …
Joe: “Hey, don’t sell yourself short. I bet the girls think it’s OUT-of-this-world-ERCOURSE”
RoboCop: “Can we be BFFs?”
Joe: “More like BFFAE, bro.”
(Wow, this slumber party NEEDS to happen. Who wants in on this?)
Until next time, keep it brosher.